someday and Oscar I will have...

If I could sit around all day every day making incredible costume pieces, elaborate masks, and rediculous hats...I think I would be in heaven.

I want to do this for the rest of my life.

I want to be GOOD at this.

I think I am...I hope I am...I plan on getting to be.


I like to think that I have a knack for it. I mean, I'm not great, there is a LOT that I need to improve on and still need to learn, but...I love it. and I'm crafty. and I'm damn hard working.

so...where in that is there room to fail?

right?

god I don't want to fail.

in life I mean.

I want to work my ass off to make actors shine, I want to burn, poke, cut, and paste my hands every day of my life doing what I love to do.

I want to succed.

I NEED to succeed.

I NEED to prove it to all of my family, all of my friends, and all of myself that I CAN do this in the world and not fade away into the land of the 9-5s and cubicles.

ya know, doing other things, my work with the kids this summer in particular, has shown me that I honestly can be happy doing other things with my life other than theatre. I COULD pursue some other course.

but then I could never see another movie or play agian. because it would cut me to the quick. I have given up music in my life for a year now, only a year, and I am still practically moved to tears whenever I hear a live band or choir and I think of how much I miss being a part of something that magical.

If I took theatre out of my life, it would have to stay out. and that just cannot be done.

I look at friends at school and I wonder how they can go through life without drive. of any kind. I wonder how people can just choose a career, something they could potentially be spending the rest of their lives doing, without a sense of calling.

I wonder if only a few of us are born with passion inside of us.

Isn't that the only explination though? I mean, some people, some people you can tell that they had passion, they raged with some kind of fire about something, but that fire was put out for some reason. something killed their passion, be it lack of money, or too much of it, the had it once, but it's left them. they are one breed. but then there are the people who have no desire for anything. their goals are thin and their motivations are superficial. they move through life with the crowd, do what needs to be done, and are fine with that. and it's not bad. it honestly isn't. I just don't understand it. I can't comprehend the listlessness of them. I cannot grasp the person that has no dreams.

because sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by the power of what I feel for my work, my dreams, my friends, my family, my LIFE that I can't breathe. my chest wells up and I tear up because of the deep rooted feeling that I have for all that is truely special in my life.

but...I'm young and idealistic.

I don't know what it is like to not make a rent payment. to not have the money to eat dinner.

but I can see my loans starting to build up. I am starting to feel their weight. only a little, because I know I still have time...but it's there. resting around my tenth vertibre next to my right shoulderblade alongside my social insecurities. I am seeing how easy it is to not have a job no matter what career path you choose.

well, actually, it can be a little comforting to know that everyone looses out at some point. misery enjoys company eh?

but anyways. I repeat myself. I've ranted on this topic before...and I know I'll do it again. it still makes me feel a little better for a little while when I do it. and I often forget, with the awesomeness of this whole blogger account, but I started blogging as mostly a personal thing. I need to remember that.

worry less.

peace.