anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has it's cost...

ok. why is it that the most insignificant of inadvertent of pseudo insults, for SOME reason carries more merit than the most intentional of compliments?

I only ask because this, I swear, is not only a "jessi is crazy" thing, but much more of a human thing.

but WHY??

it bothers me because I don't understand it and I even completely do not approve of it, seeing as I realize and can recognize it's existence, but still......it happens to me. I find my feelings hurt by the most STUPID things! and I know this!! yet they still feel this way!?! WHY?!?! god damn....

. . . . . . . . . . . .

I have come to the realization that I can rationalize almost anything....it's a gift and a curse.....but because of this I can see why things happen the way they do, often times....and for this I usually rationalize why it would be just pointless to get angry, or why it is just silly and unwarranted that I would react with anger or upset-ness. this, I fear, leads to the incredible amount of tension in my neck and back and, often, my inability to confront people.

I need to learn how to be assertive.

I need to learn how to be ok will telling someone that I do not like them. especially when I have good reason not to! eeesh.

I am a "nice" person. I really am. but I LOVE who I am.

...it's not an easy thing....to love yourself.

It's taken me a while to realize it, and it's taken even longer to realize that the fact that I do love myself is a rare and good thing. ( I would like to thank Adrian for a part of that, the whole loving myself thing...he made me believe I am beautiful.....hm....) but at the same time.....I see so many faults in myself. but the agitating thing is is that I know that everyone has these thoughts, I know how unoriginal we all are.

I realize that all my prophetic spewings and thoughtful banter are just narcissistic blatherings of the yuppie world who think we know more and are smarter than we really are.

which is frustrating.

because I want to just vent, to ramble, to spew all these stupid, trite, asinine thoughts that have been thought by a million other people at a million other times about a million other issues, just because it makes me feel special and intelligent and like I know something about this fucked up world we live in....but I know.....I KNOW that I really don't. I know that I have only scratched the surface of that LIFE and of what FRIENDSHIP and of what LOVE really is or means....

I am so young. I am so naive.

but then....I'm not.

so I don't know.

I don't know much.

.....

maybe I don't know anything.



confidence sure is something. if you are confident in what you do....you can convince the world you right, when really....you are just as insecure and stupid as the rest of us.

oh what a world...what a world.

and what a people....eh?