To Kyle.

Kyle died today of a cocain overdose.

Kyle was 19 years old.

unfortunatley, I did not know Kyle. But my friend did.

She has seen more than you would ever guess from her easy smile and fun manner.

She has seen more young death than is ever fair.

Tonight I toasted Kyle and held my friend. We held her hand, her head, and her body. We dried her eyes. We listened.

We tried.

How do you comfort someone so convinced they aren't good enough?


It was a hard night. A reminder about life.

Life is...all about perspective.

I got a hella big reminder about what life IS tonight.

Life is so precious....yet eternally "unfair".

I was just talking to a friend about how I want to take time and really delve into finding some kind of "religion" that I believe in. And part of this conversation involved talking about "God".

I am a little uncomfortable when dealing with the entity of "God". I don't really understand, nor relate to the belief that God is one BEING. I don't feel like this Christian God is something/one that sits well with me.

But, this does not mean I am an aetheist. I actually have great faith in a higher being. It's just the Christian model that throws me. My "god" is all knowing and has a reason for everything.

Nothing is abitrary.

No one is forgotten.

Do I believe in destiny? Maybe a little. But I still believe heavily in personal responsibility for ones path in life.

...but if everything is happening for a reason, then wouldn't that mean we were all destined to make all the "choices" we did?

maybe.

maybe not.

I don't know.

but I don't think I need to know that one.

But I do feel like I know that everything does happen for a reason. Maybe because I haven't had anything really terrible happen in my life to make me seriously question my life or beliefs yet.....but I hope to "god"that it is true.

because I can't handle the thought that we really are just ants running around our little anthill with no rhyme or reason.

or purpose.

....the term "prayer" or "pray" is another one that I am uncomfortable with....but I do believe heavily in the power of positive thought. I know that it is fundamentally the same, but it is different to me. So please, send some good thoughts my way. Send them to Anna. Send them to Kyle's family and friends.

Shit like this happens every day.

.....

but we have to have the shit to have the beauty.

.....

there was an awful beauty in tonight, I won't lie. I saw a part of Anna that very few people have seen. I also saw a strength and love in my friends that none of us may have really realized we had until now.

the worst can bring out the best......to be cliche about it.

and...to once again quote my beloved Big Sib Eric Svaleson,

"Life is terribly wonderful."

......and you have to believe it.