hrm.

classes start tomorrow. it really has not sunken in yet. I have to be in class at 9am.

.......ew.

but, really, I am glad that they are starting finally. I'm ready for them. well, mentally yes, acedemically....maybe not. I have been painfully procrastinating my finals work. But, luckily I'll be in contact with those teachers soon and be given deadlines. I need deadlines.

I've been feeling kind of....out of sorts lately. in a few ways. discontented. this is a lingering feeling from last semester, and I've had some distractions since then, but now that I'm well and about to be working again...the feeling has returned. I'm unmotivated to do a lot of the things that I used to be excited about....I just have a little pit of unsatisfied living in my belly.

I've started thinking about religion again...about what it must feel like to have such a constant, guiding, loving force to carry you through life. what it must feel like to constantly have goals and codes to follow to keep you going and in line. I started thinking that maybe I want something like that, that it may center me a little. but, I already know that most of the major western religions don't sit well with me, and Taoism is just too inactive and apathetic for me, so I began reading up on the "religion" that has always hit a chord with me - Buddhism.

I'm in the process of reading this great book called What the Buddah Taught. as I'm reading, I am finding that there is so much of what the Buddah spoke on rings completely with me, he believed in learning as the ulitmate power, he was completely pacifist, and belived that one should learn to live in each moment of every day. but....then there is so much that doesn't sit with me...so much that seems entirely unobtainable while still living and working and thriving in the world. To become enlightened one seeks to understand everything, and this means to take one's emotions and dissect them objectively, then through understanding, release yourself from them. ....but I am an emotional person, and I believe that all feelings are not only necessary, but a joy. I like the highs and lows and I don't think I want to sacrifice them for an end that I don't believe I could ever reach. and, well, I really like eating meat....

I am but a young scholar, but I think I can see that I shall not be delclaring myself a buddhist anytime soon.

but the thing is.....through all this thinking and talking about philosophy and religion....I came to realize that while I don't think that is what is missing in my life, it is nice to have more of a path. however personal and diverse it may be.

and still....that unsatisfaction lingers.

At the beginning of the year I was so pumped. I was working my ass off, I was being challenged, and I was loving it. I worked long hours for simple assignments because I wanted to be the best and make each one great. then....everything started loosing it's zeal. And it is beyond frustrating, because I want to be able to dissect my life, try to find what is giving me this feeling, but the damn MONO throws a huge wrench in everything! I can't tell if it was some internal desire that caused my apathy, or just the sickness that drained the life out of me. And now, now I am healthy, but I have been away from anything resembling structure and guidance for over a month now....is it the lack of structure or the same discontentness?

so now....maybe it is just that I need to start school again. the stupid thing is, even after all this time, it still feels like I haven't had a break. it's the damn finals. they have been looming in the back of my mind all break. I have not had a completely work-free break since I started school. and I mean, this had been kind of my fault. I could have been working on them more since I've been back, and that would have made me feel better...but again it goes back to my need of structure and deadlines.

so, kick myself in the ass, get working, make some due dates, and get going and I'll feel better?

maybe.

or I'm just lonely.

who knows?