pensive.

EDIT:
This entry was made last night around 5am. I was a bit drunk and had been having a long night of lots of different things happening. I had the smarts to not post it then and there because, well, I was drunk and drunken posts generally don't reflect too well on the post-er. But I read it today and I've decided to post it anyways, typos and everything. I think it's interesting? meh.



a party, kinda.
that's where I am at. hangin out at Old Town. But this night quickly turned into me and Pookie time. We have had a quite the night of "seeing".

ignorance is bliss? but...the only conception of ignorance is what we build for ourselves.

hindsight is 20/20.

we see all and understand so much more...but where does that leave us? the more we think, the more we turn to our better judgement, and the more we look to that, the more inhibitions we develope.

a good thing? or resticting?

ignorance is bliss.

but where is ignorance without those who understand to esablish WHAT ignorane is?

where does understanding leave us?

alone and unhappy?

god I hope not.

ben and I agreed that there is this widespread feeling of UNREST.

I need SOMETHING to happen. I am discontent because I need some big emotional or whatever release to happen...something to make whatever crazy shit that has been going down make some kind of sense?

but, maybe it;s just spring fever.

I need some kind of change. I need to clean, to re-arrange, to feel, to MOVE...to something FUCKING else.

everyone I've talked to thie weekend has had a very similar result of at least last nights events being that we all had VERY late nights for some strange reason or other. All of us were up to somewhere around 5 or 6 in the morning.

I think we're waiting for something to happen. some kind of validation maybe.

Pookie and I were talking about how we, as people, will relate to certain albums or songs for certain points in our lives...and it's true. His has been Postal Service for the past week or so...because they have a way of making things poetic and therefore more pleasant....when really they are far from that. when you really listen...."I was the one worth leaving..." what the fuck. that is a fucking heart wrenching, soul hurting song....but it's beautiful and upbeat and therefore that makes it better.

I want LIFE dammit.

but where the fuck to I find it?

really.

LIFE.

what the fuck is it?

I have realized that I do not really have "bad days" and I can't decided if this is a good or a bad thing. I mean, it's good because it means that I guess I look for the optimism in each changing day and let the change of the day change and not let the bad keep me down....but at the same time...something I have realliy stated to notice because of acting class is just how rare it is that we as people are actually honest with OURSELVES,

when someone asks how I am doing, I respond GREAT.

WONDERFUL.

THINGS ARE AWSOME.

but...am I just lying to myself? that really isn't honsetly how I feel much of the time, but at the same time I can't help but think of 'leadership training' from high school and how if you put a smile on and speak positively you will generally just start to believe it. act energetic then you will be.

but what is the truth?

but saying I am great I get myself thinking I am and generally in a better mood (shoiuld I be in a bad mood) but then....I am not always truthful. is it better to be absolutely honest? but then what gets you the better side of the coing?

and suddenly all my quandries are seem absolutely inconsequential.